Losing someone you love so deeply, especially a parent, is something no one can ever prepare you for, regardless of their age when they passed away. It's like a storm that rages through your life, leaving you soaked in heartache and sadness. Such a big part of our lives are them. They raise us to be who we are. They teach us right from wrong, they love us unconditionally... how can we ever replace that?
On May 27th, 2013 I lost my 48 year old mother to stage four lung cancer. I was just 24 at the time. Never in a million years did I think I would have to live such a long part of my life without her. She was suppose to be here for all of the milestones, all of the joy, all of the sorrow...she was suppose to be here for everything.
I remember waking up the morning after she died. I was in pure shock and disbelief that she was actually gone. The denial settled in and I felt like I was living someone else's life. I was living in a nightmare that I felt I would never wake up from.
Grief, I learned over the last 11 years without her, is not a straight path. It doesn't follow our schedules or timelines. Some days I still feel a heavy emptiness, a missing piece of me. I also still feel angry that she was taken so soon.
People always say "time heals all wounds", but grief isn't something you just "get over" and move on from. It's something you learn to live with, something you learn to carry with you. Something that will always be a part of who you are.
On these days when I feel like I've lost my way, I find hope in the little things. A song she used to love. A cardinal at my window. A joke that only we thought was funny. The breeze on a nice sunny day. So many of the little things remind me of her and I will forever hold space for all of those things.
I miss you, Mom.